Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Love

video


I don't dig on doubt or pity
I don't mind getting caught in the rain
I won't lie for anybody
But when I do
It's for your love

I don't have to work at four thirty in the morning 
I don't have to go outside if I don't want
to run into anybody
But when I do 
It's for your love

I stay up way too late far to often
I don't call my mom often enough 
I said I don't dig on doubt or pity
But I do it all 
for your love

Thursday, November 29, 2012

What The Mirror Reflects (Page 1)


A thought rolls through my head as I sip the morning wine, 

nothing outstanding happens without incident. 

If she was there for the taking we could spend time ignoring the world. Days spent getting drunk, making art and fornicating shamelessly; as hedonistic as a Bohemians life could be. For now I live in the dream. Floating through each day as the view from the top of a staircase. I could tell you how I became this way but you wouldn't understand, no sane person living a life inclusive of expectation could. I suppose it would be best to start and the beginning, pass the middle and come to the end, but that would be expected… wouldn't it?

In purpose the mind is a gateway to life beyond death, capable of contemplating everything and nothing, the infinite universe contained inside a living being. Magic. Practical application leans towards self obsession and the nagging want disguised as need. I am no different in these matters. 

Lost in the thought of her smell I've missed my stop. Seven staircases will lead me upward to the ground, I feel the weight of her thick, beautiful hair with every step.I have turned her into the yearning, something pure, something not me.

I know that I will take her. I will kiss her short of breath and arch her back. She will fall into my arms and show me what her body needs. I will know beyond her smell, her taste, she will give me her fear and I will add it to my own. 

As I join the procession my thoughts travel inward. Why have I allowed myself to become this? I am a wretch, A still breath on the wind. Would the world at large ever remember the kindness in me as I twist the knife into an open wound? The faces around me seem content, no… resigned to the contradictions they support. I should feel liberated, I  don't, for after all the willingness I've shown to free my mind of the created concept of successful living I am still standing in line. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Breath On The Wind


I have always felt a certain disconnect to the world around me. A nagging tug that wouldn't let me enjoy the moment for what it was, I can't out run it, can't erase it, I've just simply learned to just keep living. Just keep loving.Never being able to put my finger on what"it" was I came to the conclusion that "somethings missing". Two years ago I was informed that I should have had a brother, the details aren't important but the deed was done. Six years ago I should have had a son but the universe had other plans. It would be silly to say I wasn't aware that these moments affected me, I just didn't quite understand how much until this morning. The following are lyrics to a song that might be something, perhaps nothing at all. I just feel that it's important (especially in the face of the earths mighty ability to shake us off its back at a moments notice) that I share this honest moment of revelation.

Love in all things
danny axel  

letters to Gabriel 

I couldn't give you what you needed
guess the gods would not abide 
Can't find relief in this thought
It's hard to know you, only in my mind

You mother won't believe me
she doesn't want to feel me cry
it's getting harder to believe in love
the growing distance still divides

There's no  light
without your life
all this time just passing trains
there's no right
in my life 
until I dream and see your face


I always ask for forgiveness
I never let myself heal 
Judging by the look in her eye
she wishes none of this was real

Your father lays in sadness
He hopes to pass the time
praying for release in these words
from the shadows in the sky

There's no  light
without your life
all this time just passing trains
there's no right
in my life 
until I dream and see your face

I survive every night
I'm alive when she tries
I survive every night 
I survive 
when I turn out the light

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Out of the Slipstream - A Writing Exercise

Filling the empty space between thoughts is harder that it looks from heaven. Try as I might I can't seem to find a lie as ugly as the truth. Preoccupation has lead to disconnection from the Mother Urge, we now fend for ourselves under the cover of darkness. Father was agreeable, it made him unhappy. I challenge the world to be more than it's bullet points, I feel mostly alone. I've been told the point of all this is experience, yet I see the curve behind me and know it's true face. Doubt leads the charge of indecision screaming louder than puerile cries, stand unmoved and watch the color drain from a fruitless effort. We are unmistakably calm in moments of true silence, these moments I enjoy. Spare your judgement for those who need it, for they are beyond your reach. The journey is long, you'll need to make camp... more than once. I began at the ending of things as a circle tends to do but in truth, I never was. In a time before spirals I am a spiral, my travels are laid out before me, I will run the curves again as I always have as I never will. Hold a place for me at the feast for at last

I'm on my way home.

Written Stream of consciousness for Ella, Brian and her.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Streets Of Gold

Fault her fountain
sever the modern culprit 
Neither further nor down
liquid standard truth desease 
Lifter of heavy faith
Cutdown the monolith for fear of false idols

Open heart swell
feel the weight of true love
A moment past forever
in thought construction
Slam the gavel down hard
the witness is corrupt 

Follow me into the blind
Permit me access to your holy temple
Journey in true terror
but you shall not walk
alone.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Facts


Here's the truth of it
always in pain
Never feeling like anyone
always afraid 

Sometimes worthless
Never ashamed 
the everyday is difficult 
seek constant escape

Closed eyes while color pervades 
live for the blessings a mind will create
Bathe in the light of another day
asking only for faith 
put on display 

I'll never out run you
You're with me 'till death
It's just Cerebral Palsy
It's all in my head...

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Apnea


6:30 am 
Breakfast
A feeling hanging in the air gives a chill. I move to the window and pull the shades open. Still Life, a Rockwell painting un-paused. In a moment my existence becomes the never ending notion that "theres something that I have to do today". I hurry and throw on last nights jeans, they smell like Jennifer, it comforts me. Taking a page out of my fathers playbook I hit the street immediately. 

I make a left turn and head for the ocean. Cutting through the park I imagine myself a savage tribesman, built for hunting. I decide to be anonymous, to move silent and purposeful. My cells feel alive at this pace, A thick coat of sweat builds on my skin and I ache for water.

Feeling the ocean breeze I stand before a giant tree folded in on itself as though it were a living celtic knot. I am awestruck by its perfect existence. I touch it's bark and a dried piece flakes off into my hand. Wanting more than anything to share this beauty I place the bark in the ocean. It floats gently on the surface, braving the waves, It's direction almost seems purposeful. 

Feeling too attached I remove myself from thoughts of the tree. I remember my life in the tribe, I remember last night.
An old man approaches, his name is Patton. In a moment he'll introduce himself.

"You've come an awful long way fella"

Someone told me it's a quick way to get somewhere.

"Nothing happens quickly when the moment is time"

Nathan, in case you were wondering

"I'd never ask, The commitment implied is a promise. Names Patton"

Something tells me you want to give me advice.

" I want to remind you of your life, to give you what you asked for. I want to return the favor"

I haven't done anything for you.

"You will."


11:34 am
Lunch
Jennifer works at the coffee house, she's waiting outside.

"Why am I not surprised?"

No reason to be, you knew I'd get here.

"There was a time when I thought you'd forget, Nothing memorable ever happened over coffee."

You don't need me to tell you that isn't true.

She smiles and invites me in for a hug, impact creating the big bang theory. I feel the weightlessness of adoration and remind myself that there is much left to do. She lets go first because she is brave. I turn and move quickly, all I want is to stay.

Walking steadily I come to the hill i'd ride my bike down as a child. Laughter fills me as memories flood, Philip and Tommy waiting at the bottom as i prepared to tempt the fates. I think of Edwin and wish he was standing beside me. 

I make a right and walk hard, The thought creeps in and I know i'll be alone for a while. I begin to miss the tribe. I come to the tallest building and sit in the shadow it casts. Reaching into my pocket I remove a chunk of tree bark, Instinctively I take a large bite than begin etching something into the ground beneath my feet. 

Weightless
free
unafraid

The wind carries her scent as I open my eyes. I am lying on the roof of the tallest building, as close as i can get to the sun on a cloudy day. I remember my father and the words he spoke most often…

"I have learned more from you than I could ever teach, you are my greatest creation and a triumph. You will learn these lessons someday and you will know peace"

Her summer dress is perfect, I think noticing the coffee stain just above her left breast. She's beginning to show, She kisses me warmly and says she'd like the name Moon if it's a girl. I softly kiss her forehead, knowing we'll name him Edwin.

We lay perfectly still in the afternoon sun, listening to the world move around us. She's alive in time, this reminds me i'm running late.


Running with purpose I come to a stop as I see Tommy and Philip sitting in a knotted tree.

"Well look who it is Phil! I can't believe you'd travel this far… Everything you need you already have man!"

I didn't bring my bike.

"Tommy's got his, I've got mine… guess you'll have to catch us."

I want to chase them as they speed off in the distance but I know I won't. Philip goes to law School. Tommy is gunned down trying to stop a robbery at his grandfathers Liquor store.

I feel someone take my hand.
I pray that it's her.

Edwin looks up at me, his eyes shut tight, his head is bleeding.

"None of this has ever been your fault Dad. It's ok to come home."

I have so much left to learn son, I'm afraid you can't teach me.

"Can I walk with you for a while?"

Nothing would make me happier, where would you like to go?

" take me to the ocean"


8:01 PM
Dinner 
The sun fades and brings with it conflict. I can feel the time passing quicker now and there is much to get done. I try and remember what its like to sing in the shower, to smile endlessly at someone who doesn't notice you looking. I think of Patton and wonder what, if anything I could ever do for him.

At the mercy of the moment I look around me and see sketches of pain. Eyes welled with tears, doubt, emptiness and fear. I see a woman in the distance, she is glowing in the darkness. I go to her and she waits with open arms. She embraces me softly and kisses the top of my head, I pray in vain that she will hold me forever as she lets go.

"You did not want to see me."

Not now. Not like this, I've learned nothing… I'm more afraid then ever before. 

" Everything you've seen is what you asked to see. The very existence of all thats around you is proof of your growth"

Do you think I can come home? I'm not sure I remember the way.

"Remember how you got here and you'll find your way home"

She extends her hand and places it over mine. I look down to see a piece of tree bark it my hand, it has what appears to be a bite mark on one side. All I can think of is Jennifer. 


I walk through the thick air of the evening making turns I've never made before yet knowing exactly where I am.

 I remember my 7th birthday, Mother distracting me with cake batter as Father wheeled in my birthday present, a brand new bike! I smile wide and jump in place, dad says it's ok to take it out for a ride. 

Feeling emboldened by my training wheels I take off down the block care free and full of life. I come to the biggest hill in the neighborhood at the bottom are two kids I've never met before hanging out next to their bikes. I decide I should introduce myself… only one way to do that.

My thoughts are interrupted by a familiar smell. I turn right and head for my apartment. As I open the door I see the living angel with my own eyes, Jennifer is waiting for me and she is beautiful. She removes her silk robe to reveal her impossible body. She grabs me firmly and begs me to hold her forever. 

I remove my shirt, she kisses my chest. I close my eyes and whisper my love. She puts her finger over my lip and brings her mouth to my ear

"tell me when you wake up"

The rest is a dream

mine forever

perfect.

Lying in the afterglow I pick up the newspaper, not surprisingly the headline is unsettling.



TREE OF WOE

My eyes well with tears as I read the details. A boy falls from a tree, his head is cracked and bleeding, his parents rush him to the family car and speed off for the hospital. In their panic they fail to notice a young boy riding his bike down the tallest hill in the neighborhood until the last possible second. 

Father slams his foot on the breaks instinctively and sends the family car careening into the local coffee shop. The boy on the bike is unharmed. The boy in the car is killed. The mother is hospitalized and Father lies in a coma. Names are withheld at the families request.

I close the paper and stare as the sun begins to peak through the curtains. I am alone in bed. I make my way to the window and open the shades. Lovely day outside, Think I'll head to the ocean.

Making my way past the coffee shop I see an old man across the street smiling at me, I return the greeting and wave. He nods his head and makes a left round the corner. I cut through the park and head to my favorite spot, the knotted old tree I used to climb as a kid.

I arrive and find the tree as inviting as ever and for a moment I feel totally calm. I reach out to touch the massive trunk and a piece of bark falls into my hand revealing Writing etched in the old tree. 

Weightless, free, unafraid
Jennifer Martin loves Nathan Patton.

I look out at the ocean and watch as Edwin places a piece of tree bark into the water. I breathe for what feels like the first time. 

I open my eyes and see Jennifer. She's older and appears shocked. I can't process what she's saying.

10 years…

accident…

Edwin.

She tells me she knew I'd come back
She tells me we can go home.

I kiss her and reply, I love you.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Until All You Have Left...



The journey is long and you will face many challenges
You will become tired but sleep very little
Everyone you know will misunderstand you
will appreciate your kindness, while they do

whatever they want

You will miss the summer in the winter
and enjoy the spring and fall
You will love
You will lose love
You will find the answer and laugh audibly
You won't smell roses
but you'll stare at the sea
you will see the face of god in the eyes of another
you will understand the reason
you will ache for the pain
you will search for what you are looking for


until all you have left… is Raisin Bran.


Inspired by the mind of Mike Doughty

Monday, May 14, 2012

Four Hundred & Twenty Push-ups


There is a certain underhandedness to all of this life.

Each one of us goes in with an ace up our sleeves,
detailed files
the skinny… on ourselves.

In quiet moments We find it easy to think and hard to be ashamed. 
If a frustrated man sits alone in a room and kills himself does Baby wake up from a dream in which she was an ant?

We are crippled by the most inward of things, Fear at the forefront , Vanity close behind… Doubt bringing up the rear
Slow and steady… The Tortoise.

We need so much approval from the others while pretending not to care.
While long glances are shared, meaning more than books, movies or fashion trends. 


Looking out the window there is a nature sitting about
above us
in spite of us
It's life attempting to remind us to stay alive

We will not control the ending and keep our dignity intact.

Trust.

A third eye and two thumbs should straighten us out.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

All the Experience...



Some things in life you will remember, most of it you'll forget.  


I remember my first snow cone, messy!


Mothers hair falling on her shoulders, beautiful.


I remember looking Love in the eye
and the look that said it wasn't enough.


I remember feeling floored by the creativity of others 
and making it my goal in life to knock someone on their ass.


I remember the touch of suffering 


I remember being scared... of everything.


I forget to look up at the sky.


I forget to introduce people.


I forget that words can kill as fast as they can heal.


I forget to doubt myself at every turn.


I forget what "can't" be done.


I remember breathing without pain in my chest 


I wrote this all down and found a few friends, now my memories exist a brush stroke on a canvas that will take a lifetime to fill


All we have is now
All thats left to do is share
This is my voice screaming at the top of his lungs, crying wolf was never an option.


Consider this piece of art everything I ever wanted to say but couldn't


Think of what you remember. 
Tell us a story.